Dear Oprah

Another long, boring holiday.
On Thursday it was holiday here so, as Brazilian people love long weekends here we are. Or should I say, here am I. Alone!
I had a movie to put subtitles in but I did it yesterday and this morning so, long hours doing not much.
On Thursday I went to have lunch with a friend. And it was pretty much what I've done.
I was very sad to see pictures of this friend having a fondue at her place and she didn't invite me.
I should have been used to this now, as I have already told you that I am friend to my friends but they don't reciprocate.
I know, it's not easy to understand me as sometimes I just want to be alone and sometimes I need people but I'll never ever going to ask them.
There was this time in my life, my children were in France and my mom was in São Paulo during Christmas Holidays and I was all by myself.
So I would take a sleeping pill at night, and then in the morning I would feed the dog, get him out to a walk, come back, eat something and take another pill. I would sleep for 6 hours, wake up, feed the dog, play a little with him, eat something and take another pill.
4 days would pass like this.
Today I almost did the same but I had some shopping to do so I went to the supermarket. Later I prepared some food for the week and I watched some TV.
I love the series I follow but they are all out for summer so now I don't really have much to watch.
I read a lot.
I have my books boyfriends, and most my friends are from my books.
When I have nothing to watch or to read I write.
I have a book ready and I am writing a second one.
Nobody will ever read them but it doesn't matter.
They are my friends.
I put on some music and write about lives I would like to be able to live.
It makes me feel special, you know?
Like I have some kind of a secret and my secrets are the characters.
They are human, they are good, they fight and they win.
I don't mind to be a little crazy.
I am a lonely person. I have nobody.
My kids are living their lives. I did everything I had to do for them to succeed and they did it.
Now they have to live their lives the best they can.
That's why I never tell them how lonely I am.
I lie if I have to.
I don't know how but I know that one day something will happen and my life will change.
One day I'll have all the things I deserve.
One day I'll travel the world without a worry in my mind.
One day I'll not feel lonely.
I know this day is coming.
I believe it from the bottom of my heart.
No more pills, no more book friends.
This day is coming.

Dear Oprah

I've been sick. Literally. I've got a virus that made me throw up everything I put down my throat. And I've felt tired, so tired that I could sleep all day.
And I've felt sad. So sad.
Sometimes I just don't understand how life goes, how people can be so mean, so cruel.
I normally think that we should help one another, we should always try to do our best to help people around us.
But most of the time I am the only one trying to help people and the ones around me are trying to screw me up.
What am I doing wrong?
Why should life be so difficult:
I pray. God, I pray all the time. I swear Oprah, I try my best all the time but I am so tired.
All I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.
Sometimes I feel so lonely.
Sometimes I feel like God has just forgotten me.
I know it's not true.
I know things eventually are going to turn out just fine but why do I have to struggle so much to have my happy ending?
I don't ask for love. I know that at 58 almost 59 I am never going to find love anymore.
I just want money to travel, money to pay my bills and money to live.
To survive.
Anyway all I should do is be thankful, isn't it?
And I am.
My kids are ok so I should really be thankful.

Dear Oprah

How are you?
Well, May it's here and for me it's a mix of feelings because is the month my daughter got married, 4 years ago and it's the month my mother died, last year.
My daughter's marriage is in a big crisis. I can't blame her. Her husband lost his job two months ago and he is so... slow!
Don't get me wrong, I love him. He is kind, gentle, well educated and he truly loves my daughter but he is the kind of a person who passes his days repeating "I am a failure. Nothing I do goes right. I am not lucky".
My daughter, on the other hand is not a very gentle person, she is harsh sometimes, she is capable of saying all the nasty things you can imagine when she is angry but she isn't picky at all regarding jobs.
She is capable of doing anything to earn her a good living.
She's ambitious and she truly believes that nothing is impossible.
So, she is deceived with her husband.
She wants someone to watch over her and he is proving that he's not this kind of guy.