Dear Oprah

Another long, boring holiday.
On Thursday it was holiday here so, as Brazilian people love long weekends here we are. Or should I say, here am I. Alone!
I had a movie to put subtitles in but I did it yesterday and this morning so, long hours doing not much.
On Thursday I went to have lunch with a friend. And it was pretty much what I've done.
I was very sad to see pictures of this friend having a fondue at her place and she didn't invite me.
I should have been used to this now, as I have already told you that I am friend to my friends but they don't reciprocate.
I know, it's not easy to understand me as sometimes I just want to be alone and sometimes I need people but I'll never ever going to ask them.
There was this time in my life, my children were in France and my mom was in São Paulo during Christmas Holidays and I was all by myself.
So I would take a sleeping pill at night, and then in the morning I would feed the dog, get him out to a walk, come back, eat something and take another pill. I would sleep for 6 hours, wake up, feed the dog, play a little with him, eat something and take another pill.
4 days would pass like this.
Today I almost did the same but I had some shopping to do so I went to the supermarket. Later I prepared some food for the week and I watched some TV.
I love the series I follow but they are all out for summer so now I don't really have much to watch.
I read a lot.
I have my books boyfriends, and most my friends are from my books.
When I have nothing to watch or to read I write.
I have a book ready and I am writing a second one.
Nobody will ever read them but it doesn't matter.
They are my friends.
I put on some music and write about lives I would like to be able to live.
It makes me feel special, you know?
Like I have some kind of a secret and my secrets are the characters.
They are human, they are good, they fight and they win.
I don't mind to be a little crazy.
I am a lonely person. I have nobody.
My kids are living their lives. I did everything I had to do for them to succeed and they did it.
Now they have to live their lives the best they can.
That's why I never tell them how lonely I am.
I lie if I have to.
I don't know how but I know that one day something will happen and my life will change.
One day I'll have all the things I deserve.
One day I'll travel the world without a worry in my mind.
One day I'll not feel lonely.
I know this day is coming.
I believe it from the bottom of my heart.
No more pills, no more book friends.
This day is coming.

Dear Oprah

I've been sick. Literally. I've got a virus that made me throw up everything I put down my throat. And I've felt tired, so tired that I could sleep all day.
And I've felt sad. So sad.
Sometimes I just don't understand how life goes, how people can be so mean, so cruel.
I normally think that we should help one another, we should always try to do our best to help people around us.
But most of the time I am the only one trying to help people and the ones around me are trying to screw me up.
What am I doing wrong?
Why should life be so difficult:
I pray. God, I pray all the time. I swear Oprah, I try my best all the time but I am so tired.
All I want to do is sit in a corner and cry.
Sometimes I feel so lonely.
Sometimes I feel like God has just forgotten me.
I know it's not true.
I know things eventually are going to turn out just fine but why do I have to struggle so much to have my happy ending?
I don't ask for love. I know that at 58 almost 59 I am never going to find love anymore.
I just want money to travel, money to pay my bills and money to live.
To survive.
Anyway all I should do is be thankful, isn't it?
And I am.
My kids are ok so I should really be thankful.

Dear Oprah

How are you?
Well, May it's here and for me it's a mix of feelings because is the month my daughter got married, 4 years ago and it's the month my mother died, last year.
My daughter's marriage is in a big crisis. I can't blame her. Her husband lost his job two months ago and he is so... slow!
Don't get me wrong, I love him. He is kind, gentle, well educated and he truly loves my daughter but he is the kind of a person who passes his days repeating "I am a failure. Nothing I do goes right. I am not lucky".
My daughter, on the other hand is not a very gentle person, she is harsh sometimes, she is capable of saying all the nasty things you can imagine when she is angry but she isn't picky at all regarding jobs.
She is capable of doing anything to earn her a good living.
She's ambitious and she truly believes that nothing is impossible.
So, she is deceived with her husband.
She wants someone to watch over her and he is proving that he's not this kind of guy.

Dear Oprah

I've just seen a video at TMZ where you are signing some autographs and the reporter asks you about Kelly Ripa.
It only makes me think one more time that I would love to have you as my actual friend.
You are kind, gentle, a person who isn't afraid to say what you think, but always in the kindest way.
Love

Dear Oprah

I wish I had my mom here with me to give a piece of most needed advice.
Or an Oracle. Or a very sincere friend.
A woman once I called a friend died last night.
She was not much older than me and she died during her sleep.
I like her family and I have good memories from the time we shared together so I believe I should go to her funeral, right?
On the other hand, I haven't seen her or her family for years and when my mother was sick and later when she passed away nor she or her husband or children came to my mom's funeral.
So I ask myself, do I really need to go to hers?
Deep inside me there's this woe that few people cared when my mom was sick and I was all alone taking care of her.
Few people offered me a shoulder to cry or a hand to help me.
And God, how lonely I felt.
But I have to tell you that Selma's husband or children will not be lonely at all.
They are part of that group I was once, PV, and being part of it, they are never going to be alone.
Why am I not part of this group anymore?
Because I felt betrayed by them. It's a long story I don't feel talking about now.
Sometimes I think about if I die suddenly who will attend my funeral and you know? It doesn't matter.
Because those who love me they have to show they love me while I am alive.
They must show my kids that they love them while I am alive.
Later, it is good to know you have friends but it's better to know that your friends where there for you when it mattered.

Dear Oprah

I've just seen a recording where you went to a WW meeting and took everybody by surprise.
I started to cry because oh God, I would like so much to meet you in person and I just don't think this going to happen.
I really really would love to meet you.
I don't know why but you seem to be the kind of person I would like to have as friend.
Today was a hard day with many different emotions mixed but anyway I am grateful because I could do most of the things I needed to do.
It was a real miracle that I did what I did and I thank God.
I really am grateful.
It's something I've learned with the book The Magic, to be thankful for all the things everytime, everyday.
So, when something starts to go wrong I say thank you for all the other things that are going well.
Thank you Oprah for being such an inspiration.
Love

Dear Oprah

Yeah, I know it's been a while but my daughter came and I spent 10 amazing days with her.
This week I worked as a crazy woman and I've just arrived from a friend's birthday party.
I have to say: I hate parties.
My daughter said that I am introverted, I think I am anti-social.
Here in Brazil, it is extremally hot so being in a place outdoor without A.C. with the music too loud and lots of people it's really not my cup of tea.
I'd rather stay home, watch a movie or read a book.
Said friend it's 3 times divorced, 58 years old and tonight she introduced us to her new boyfriend.
God, he is the kind of a man I would never look twice.
You know the kind of gooey man?
I am too old to see things like that.
Sometimes I think that I'll end my life as the lady with the cats.
I do prefer cats, dogs, birds, even fishes instead of people.
I know, I am not a nice person.
Love